I have been mired in a long and far too drawn-out court case with an ex-employer and after the trial, I had to wait until the 26th for the verdict, which I was granted attendance by phone, thankfully.

I won and did so without question.  And with that, I was gleefully on the first leg of my journey.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day at the lake.  The lake where I spent my summer living in a small trailer on my parent’s property.  The lake which I call “home”, no matter where I am.

Mom had gone into town early that day, and when I left, Dad gifted me a bottle of wine from the top-shelf Winiski Collection.  I was sad to leave, especially on a perfect day, but the most grand adventure was ahead of me.

As expected, I did leave a bit later than I had planned, but still had enough time to take the cats to get their vet exam and health certificates, as well as a quick visit with a friend.

Good thing I only planned to get as far as the border at Osoyoos!!  The vet’s office was quite busy that day, and my visit went a bit late because I miscalculated the coffee shop’s location. Haha!  

Feelin like a million bucks, I rolled into Osoyoos around 10pm, found a rather quaint motel that cost WAY more than I expected, drank some wine, then went to sleep.

Wait – that last part is a lie.  There was no such thing as “‘sleep”.  Nope. Both cats paced and meowed

ALL

NIGHT

LONG!

Bubba was even so kind as to walk over my pillow a few times, stomping on my hair and dragging his primordial pouch across my face.  The bed was uncomfortable anyway. Early start the next day.

Cats & gear back in the car and I was off to get Canadian cash (for what reason, I don’t know), a Lottomax ticket, and a Tim Horton’s coffee.

For those who know me, are thinking “But coffee gives you B.O.!” – Yes, it did, but I have reason to believe that might not be an issue anymore (read: I stink no matter what – LOL!).  Still a tea-girl, just had to try a Timmy’s after all this time before leaving Canada for an extended absence.

At the USA border, I had the most pleasant and chipper border guard!  She scanned my passport and asked if she could take a quick look as she waited to find out if I needed to pull ahead for a full search.  

SURE!

Now let me tell you – Milton was packed to the TITS!  And I have become quite good at maximizing space! The lovely lady opened one door at a time and placed her hand on a box or bag and inquired as to what was inside.

We were on a roll!  I felt like I was on a gameshow and was about to win a prize!

When she got to the roofrack, she asked about the big plastic covered roll to which I gleefully informed her it was a lime-green shag rug!!

She kind of fumbled with that.  Not sure if it was judgement or envy – probably envy.  LOL!

No further inspection required and I was off to Montana!!

Now let me start now by warning you – doing this route in fall is quite possibly one of the most spectacular trips I have ever done.  So be prepared for a lot of exuberant descriptions of it!

My first stop was in Heron, MT.  I was invited to stay with some friends I met on a flight to Mexico a few years ago.  We had such a great time on that flight that we stayed in touch and it was so exciting to get to see them and their beautiful log home!

Once over the border and through Tonasket, I had the first of many “OH HOLY SHIT” moments. Maybe it was the thrill of being on my way since the area is really not all that different than what I’m used to.

I was unable to connect my Mexican phone to any USA networks, so when I stopped in Republic for a nap, I had no way to get ahold of my hosts to inform them of the delay.

Ok – again, the drive was just amazing!  Not a lot of traffic, lots of weird little towns that seem so entirely unlike the ones in Canada.  Driving in the USA really does feel like driving in a Hollywood movie.

Once I reached Sandpoint, Idaho I was about 45 minutes from my friend’s house.  I somehow had cell service there, which was more of a treat than the chicken McNuggets I also had, so I was able to call my hosts for directions.  Super!

I should have asked for an address for Google Maps.  While the directions were good, I failed to notice, and therefore mention, that I had already driven through Sandpoint, so I got back on the highway and started driving in what I thought was the right direction.

Would you believe I drove 45 minutes in the WRONG DIRECTION???

I had ablsolutely no clue I was heading straight North until I saw a sign for the Canadian border.  Haha! I had no cell service, but had thankfully already loaded google maps for Heron (no, I wasn’t using it because I didn’t think I could possibly get lost) but I had no way of contacting my friends to tell them I fucked up and would be over an hour later than planned.

It felt so good to have arrived, FINALLY, and was greeted with hugs, cold beers and a lovely backyard fire with the most stunning background of nature and sky.

After a wonderful visit, a comfy sleep, and a hearty breakfast, I was back on the road for the 7 hour drive to the Yellowstone border, with a small detour along the way.

Gardiner, MT is a really nifty little town – it’s very rustic and rich with historical charm.  Still no damn cell service, though!! I had hoped that being such a major destination, there would be cell service near the park.

Nope!

Good thing I planned for this and took screenshots of directions to some free campsites near there.

Now THAT’S something you don’t see in BC – free campsites that are easy to access, right outside of town AND that have plenty of spots right at the gates of a National Park!!!?!??  WOW!

It was late, it was dark and I was beside myself with excitement being so close to actaully finally seeing Yellowstone Park. I needed to find of these spots to settle in for the night.

Unfortunately, after driving up the hill to investigate these little gems of campgrounds – I found both too be just too dark and creepy for my comfort.  Great little spots, but in bear country and without other campers, I decided to pass. I went back down to a little pullout near the town. There were 2 RV’s there so I opted to camp there in the car.

Car camping isn’t exactly new for me, but camping in a car that is crammed full plus 2 cats is whole other kinda challenge – especially trying to arrange things without a cat escaping into the night!

I got all figured out, settled in, cats fed, wine-in-hand and a tiny movie on my phone to watch.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – car camping is all fun & games until someone craps in the litter box.  Yeah – that does make things a bit more challenging, especially with Bubba Chunks and his OCD about scratching in the litterbox for 5 minutes after and somehow in that time, never actually covering his shit!

I woke up to sub-zero temperatures after a surprisingly long sleep – possibly due to early onset starvation because planning or food isn’t my strong suit,.  Another challenge – it’s a lot harder to discreetly get changed on the side of the road in the daylight. And peeing just ain’t gonna happen!

A quick stop at a gas station for a quick snack and I was off to check Yellowstone off my bucket-list, and this is just the beginning! 

I have already driven almost 4000kms, and have 2000 more ahead of me, and what an adventure it has been!

I will do my best to describe my journey to you, but really, it needs to be experienced.  

Let me start by saying I am well aware I experience life differently than most.  I have no kids, no partner, and I work online so ‘home’ is wherever I am.

I’m not special, extraordinary, nor brave.  I just made different choices, though not always because I wanted to, and here I am later on in life – just rolling with the punches, and flying by the seat of my pants.

Most women choose a family.  They find a partner, have kids, go to Little League and occasionally sneak away for a few drinks with other moms.  This was what I wanted when I was younger – well, it was what I thought I wanted because I was really just afraid of being alone.  That ship has sailed and I am glad it did. I still choose family, but not in the sense of creating one. I’m wonderfully blessed with the one I came from and my current lifestyle caters to that.  I also have a network of incredible friends (you know who you are) so being lonely isn’t something that scares me anymore.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a void in my soul that needs filling.  I still need something rewarding to add substance to my life, and for me that is adventure! I’m pretty sure it’s in my DNA, but I was never really aware of it until 2014 when I started camping alone in order to escape the soul-sucking monotony of the ol’ big-city daily grind, as well as needing time away from the most twisted relationship I’ve ever been in.

In only these times, just chillin’ with my tent & journals, was I truly at peace.  

It was in these times I was able to find relief from the absurdity of the relationship I was in.  

It was in these times I was able to talk myself through the bizarre co-dependent relationship I had with my job.  

It was in these times I was able to give myself the courage to be more than just belong to someone.

For the first time in my life, I became truly independent.

While moms are getting handmade crafts from their kindergarteners, having princess or superhero-themed birthday parties, and tucking their loved ones in at night, I am on a constant search for the next experience that will offer some sort of fulfillment.  The uncertainty is daunting, but also thrilling.

So now we have arrived at my point, though I am sure I can talk right past it into the “actual” point. Haha! **EDIT:  I totally do!**

I am a single, independent, 40-year-old woman.  In the last 3 years, I have truly been able to experience my own life without being under the thumb of someone else, nor feeling like I needed to be.  

I have street smarts.  

I make mistakes, but I am not dumb.  

I am strong.

I am resourceful.

I work well under pressure.  

Stress for me is normal and manageable.

I am happy.

I am whole.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s wonderful to be loved and cared about, but being doubted on these hard-earned traits makes these adventures difficult to share. I like to update those who are following my story, but it’s not so much fun to have my most incredible life experiences met with fear, disappointment, doubt, and virtual finger-wags.

Just because YOU wouldn’t do it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong or necessarily dangerous. Yes, the world can seem like a scary place, but take a step back from your TV and you will see it’s also very beautiful. I do my research and I follow my gut.

I invite you to consider these questions:

If I was with my boyfriend or husband (LOL!), would you be saying “WOW…looks like fun, you two”  or..  “Ohhh…that’s just too scary. I’m SO worried about you BOTH”

Or

If I was with a female friend, would you be thrilled to follow our adventure?  Or terrified we’d be Thelma & Louise-ing our way across the country?

What if I was a man?

What if I was 50 instead of 40?

Does the fact I don’t have a partner and children make me seem “too young”? Or somehow devoid of responsible behaviour?

Is there really safety in numbers, or is it safety with a man?

It shouldn’t matter.

We are all human.  Not all humans are good people, and not all are cut out for adventure, but those who are shouldn’t hold back because of the projected fears of those who made different choices.

Sure, I’m far from my hometown – but does that make the places I travel to any more dangerous?  

This past winter, in a bizarre mystery, a young man literally vanished without a trace from a busy but isolated ski village near my hometown.

If it could happen to a young man there, it could happen to anyone anywhere.

The point is, you just never know.  We don’t get to know what will happen next.

When we become accustomed to our surroundings, we tend to become complacent and let our guard down.  It is just so familiar, and nothing bad ever happens (or at least not to us or anyone we know), so we forget that anything is possible.  

When travelling, hiking, or camping, I am well aware of my unfamiliar surroundings, well aware that I am out in the wild, or in a city where I know very little about the local happenings so I am, therefore, prepared.

When in my most familiar places, I am generally not prepared for wildlife, chainsaw-wielding psychopaths, muggers or kidnappers, so to me that is where the greater risk lies.  I also still do nothing about it other than keeping my keys handy, having a location on the nearest fire-poker, and ensuring none of my limbs hang over the edge of my bed at night.

So please join me here, and follow along with my journey, not just to Mexico, but in life.  I welcome and appreciate your comments and shared stories, but please refrain from projecting your own fears onto me.  If I stop enjoying life to the fullest because of other people’s unfounded concerns, then that would be the realization of my own greatest fear.

Well….other than spiders.

Annnnnnd here is where I talk past my point! Haha!

If I commented on every one of your fun Facebook posts about which species of spiders were in that area, how many and how dangerous, and how risky I *think* it is with zero experience of my own, it wouldn’t sound very supportive of your strength, life-skills, and planning, and would probably make me seem like a Debbie-Downer just raining all over your parade.  If there were dangerous critters in the area you chose to visit, perhaps being experienced, you already know.

Does the projection of my fear make you feel any better, or any more fearful about spiders?  Are you grateful for my inability to accept spiders? Is it valuable to you? Probably not, but at least I can say “I told you so” when one finally kills you

So at 40, I’m really just getting started!  It only gets better from here. But like the skilled mountaineers on Everest, there are no guarantees, and my soul is thriving.

Moving forward, I would encourage everyone to take a step back from the media. Don’t let the TV or the internet tell you how to feel.  Follow your heart. Follow your soul. Wherever it takes you is where you’re meant to be <3

Either take the risk or accept the mundane.

You might still get bitten, but you also might not…

A music festival I used to frequent back in my days of excessive drinking and recreational drug use.  My first year, back in 2005, there was a running quest for the “rabbit hole”.  Whether or not it does or ever existed is an ongoing debate.  Maybe it’s real; maybe it’s just in your own mind.  Either way, I found it.

I’ve changed a lot since then.  My last time on “the farm” was 2011, and up until this past winter, I never thought I would be back.

But something in my life had shifted.  Like I found something I didn’t know I had lost. Something opened up inside and a new appreciation of music sprang forth and suddenly, I felt like dancing!

OK, maybe it was just my Spotify subscription paired with an open floor plan.  But whatever it was, I frequently imagined myself back on the dancefloor this summer.  I mean, I work online, after all, so I can kinda do what I want and not have to worry about how I use my vacation time. That’s why I do what I do

 

Returning to BC after a winter in Mexico was exciting!  I love BC & I love Mexico. I truly get the best of both worlds.  My living situation landed me in a 19′ trailer on my parent’s property which wasn’t exactly ideal for any of us but it was just how it worked out.  The lake is my favourite place in the world, so living there for 5 months should be a dream come true.  Except I’m 40 and we live well over an hour from town. (read: cabin fever!)

It doesn’t suck, but it’s not how I imagined it would be either.  While I am known to really quite prefer being alone, living with my parents and so far from town and the general public feels like a roundhouse-kick to my independence. The point is, being devoid of pretty much any possibility of a social situation, combined with work not picking up as much as I had hoped, combined with the constant disappointment from that goddamn lemon, made for a summer without any magic.  I always say it’s best to have low expectations in order to avoid disappointment, but I’m only a nihilist on the outside.  It’s easier to let people think I am.  It’s a protective layer that keeps me real when I’m actually just a pulsating ball of anxiety & fear on the inside.

This story begins with the realization that no matter how carefully you shelter your heart, there are shallow, self-serving people out there who will find a way in. And being an honest person makes one a target for dishonest people – liars, cheaters, narcissists, sociopaths, anyone with more ego than soul. They are lurking in the shadows, salivating, waiting to cash in on your moment of weakness. After a while, you think you can tell when you’re dealing with a complete asshole, but they can be sneaky-sneaky, and I failed again.

After 5 years almost entirely devoid of any sort of intimate relationship or romantic connection (yeah, TMI but very relevant to this whole story), and 2.5 of those with my nihilistic approach to avoiding feelings altogether, the knee-jerk reaction to this major disappointment was to scurry back into my closely guarded “feelings-fort”, lock the door, and throw the key into the ocean.  But you know what?  Life is short.  Life is really fucking short! I think it’s easy to forget that there are no do-overs, and Hollywood has distorted our perception of reality on that.

So I figured it was time to be proactive.  I’ve got plenty of time to be dead later, but while I’m above ground, I’d like to be alive, not just existing waiting for life to start happening.  No one is 6 ft under thinking “Gee…I’m sure glad I always made the most responsible decision” or “thank goodness I always did what I thought other people wanted so they wouldn’t judge me”, or “Yes, I made the right decision living in fear of being hurt.  At least they buried me with my cats…JOY”.

The first step was to realize that there was no way I could have created a different outcome in this recent “event” of the heart.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I could have done to be a better person, how else I could have catered to the other’s needs, maybe I wasn’t attractive enough or interesting enough, wracking my brain to figure out what I had done SO wrong, that I  deserved to be lied to…over and over and over. The truth is, the only thing I needed to change was how hurt I was going to allow myself to be over someone else’s shallow behaviour. I was basing my self-worth on whether or not I was “good enough” for one of the lowest life forms: The liar/cheater.

The second step was to look at the big picture and come up with a long-term plan.  That meant realizing it wasn’t in the cards to come back to BC next summer. I have 2 cats, and finding a rental of ANY kind is damn near impossible, but throw in some pets and ask for a 5-month lease and you can pretty much forget it.  Believe it or not, I thought I would just hang out in the USA for summer and see if there is a better chance of finding summer accommodations.  But then I thought, if I get my shit together and stop moping, I could qualify for a temporary residency in Mexico which would open up a whole new world of possibilities!

The third step was to push myself every minute of every day to not be so depressed and to think positive.  It’s hard, but if it were easy, everyone would be doing it, and the world would be a very different place.

The fourth step was action!  Nothing was going how I had planned.  So what?  Make a different plan!  It’s wonderful to have such freedom of choice.  Sometimes, feeling like you’re getting a shit-kicking from life can be the all the inspiration you need.  It was for me.

The fifth step was to remember that the universe will always provide the answers, but you have to listen, especially when it isn’t giving the answers you want to hear.

So the plan was to go for a drive.  Partly because driving is an amazing therapy for me. Partly because I needed to get out in the world and interact with other humans in a natural environment.  Partly to network with business owners in order to gain new clients.  Partly because I needed to infuse some sort of magic into this summer & make some memories.  There is no excuse to live in a place as amazing as BC and NOT have any good stories to tell!

 

The timing of the trip would land on the week of Shambhala.  At first, I thought about which route would be best to avoid it and any traffic from it.  But then I thought…..what if I went?  I could buy a day pass for Sunday for $160, which is out of my budget, but with a future of such uncertainty, I chose to live in the moment!  This trip is to address a lot of feelings, not just recent, but old ones too.  Could I just go all by myself and still expect to have a good time?  Um…fuck yes, I could!  I’ll let you know how that goes.  It’s only 6:30pm.

And with that, I think it’s time to go.  The farm is “waking up” for the legendary blow-out of Sunday night.  THIS is why I am here.  Time to go shake out the cobwebs!