You know those calendars with a different beautiful white sand beach scene for each month?  Who hasn’t sat at their desk and gazed longingly, wishing they had the time and money to go for a dream vacation to a place so beautiful?  Well, I have and I went there!!  I had to travel halfway around the world to find paradise, but I found it!  Read on and you might find it too!

There are many islands off the coast of Cambodia and only in recent years have they become destinations.  Even the more “developed” islands of Koh Rong and Koh Rong Samloen still have long stretches of virgin beaches.  As it is now, there are no roads so travel must be done by water or on foot.  The power for the island is produced by generators which, according to online whiners, “the fans stop working at midnight so you can’t sleep if it’s hot”.

I began my search for paradise on the larger island of Koh Rong.  There are a few sprinklings of bungalows on a few beaches but I chose to stay in the main village at the pier.  There was a place the next beach over that had tents on little platforms that I was really excited about but it is really remote and a lot of reviews said the food wasn’t good and the manager was difficult.  Many people (locals included) advised against prebooking because there are a lot of places that don’t advertise so you could miss out on a great deal! I prebooked anyway. I had no idea how tiny the village actually was and I wanted something central.  Well, it was central – the boats dock at it!  Haha!  At first, I was really pleased with it.  It wasn’t what I expected but I wasn’t really disappointed.  It was comfortable and had great views from every side of the building.

The beach here was probably the nicest one I had seen yet.  However, there was SO much garbage!!  Bags, bottles, nets, rope, everything!  It was sad to see but the islands don’t seem to have any sort of garbage pick-up program and there are no bins around to put trash in.  I know a lot of it has washed up on the beach but among the trees and along the pathways, garbage.  TONS of it!  But,  I did find I got used to it and was able to look past it.  It’s a sad reality there as it was in most of SEA.

Once settled in, it was time to forage for food.  Koh Rong has a nasty reputation for serving up food poisoning, so I was a bit nervous.  I had breakfast at a pasta place because pasta seemed a safe bet.  It was .  I didn’t die.  The rest of my day was spent wandering the entire stretch of beach, perhaps in search of a place where I WOULDN’T hear Celine Dion as it seemed a lot of places were cranking out her tunes.  Not sure why, this village is known for wild parties and drunken shenanigans.  Maybe they use her music to drive up liquor sales during the day?

I went back to my room and blew up the floatie I bought on Koh Phangan.  I grabbed my camera and my key and I was bounding through the bisquick-like sand on my way to the warm turquoise water. As I paddled out past the boats, EVERYONE was pointing and staring.  I guess I’m the only person who carries a floatie in their backback. They were so jealous, I could feel it!  After the sun went down and I put my camera away, I noticed I didn’t have my room key.  SHIT!  I left it in my room and locked the padlock.  Right?  Or was I so excited to get in the water I forgot I was holding it?  *Sigh*  it was in the sea.  Dang!

The village put away the Celine and sprang to life later that evening.  My “quiet” seaside room had half a dozen speakers pointed at it from the beach.  No big deal – the generators are turned off at midnight.  Midnight came and went and there was no relief.  Even the cockroach in the bed next to me was restless as were the rats in the floor. Earplugs helped very little so I was relieved when 4am rolled around and everyone went to pass out.  Except for the room next to me with the 4 french guys who just didn’t want to stop partying.  I pooped on their party.  I went to use the (shared) bathroom and gave them the death stare with the hand gesture for “SHHHT”.  They left.  YAY!  So I got a few hours of shuteye before a thunderstorm rolled in.

After the tiny rainstorm, I decided to do the hike over the island to spend the afternoon at Long Beach, a stretch of white sand that is often referred to as the most beautiful beach in SEA.  There is a handful of bungalows at the far end and then miles of untouched perfection.  Taxi boats and tours will take you there but I thought the hike would be more rewarding.  Travel bloggers are always saying how it’s a bit of a tough hike in some spots but when you get to the other side, it is a beauty that cannot be of this world.  The trail can be difficult to follow at times but there are flip-flops nailed to trees to follow.  Really?  how about following the trail of plastic bottles and cigarette butts?  Why do people do this??  After hiking up and over and scrambling down a rocky cliff, stubbing my toe on a tree root, twisting my ankle and breaking my water bottle, I was ready for my reward.

There was no reward.

The beach where the trail came out was bulldozed and they were building a big concrete pier. The white sand had been churned up with red dirt.  Disappointing!  I trekked along the shore to get far enough away that I wouldn’t hear the sound of machinery.  Not possible.  I walked for about 20 minutes through tons of garbage (even a  full black garbage bag bobbing in the water) and there was no end in sight for all of the construction so I chose a spot with some loungers where a woman was selling cold water and pop in front of a half-finished bungalow.  I pulled out my word puzzles and did my best to ignore it.  It was late afternoon and one by one, the longtail boats full of tourists started showing up.  This is a popular place to watch the sunset so all of the day tours stop here to wait for dark when the bioluminescent plankton are visible.  One parked near where I was and the guy asked if I wanted to catch a ride back and see the plankton.  Yes!  Yes I do!!  So he threw some beers in the water and everyone hopped in to swim as the sun dipped to the horizon. But even the sunset was a letdown! No one was really sure if it had even happened yet.  I really had high expectations for this “perfect” beach.  I can see how it once was but it’s gone now.

Once on board the longtail, the bottle of whiskey went around.  Seemed a great idea to quaff a bunch of liquor before jumping into the middle of the sea in the dark.  But it was only 20% and wasn’t very good. Once we were out far enough and it was completely dark, everyone jumped overboard.  When you move in the water, the plankton light up a bright blue, like tiny lights!  The water around us was all aglow as we all thrashed about to piss off the plankton!

I wrapped up the evening having a late dinner with 3 Irish girls from the boat and late night hot dog that wasn’t really a hot dog but 3 cocktail wieners fried and put in a bun with a lot of mayo.  In the West, we get really uppity about mayo being a cause for food poisoning but in SEA, it’s very commonly used and seldom ‘properly’ stored.  However, this mayo didn’t taste like mayo but I was really hungry so I nibbled away at it.  It might have been some sort of mystery sauce but I also don’t know what bad mayo would taste like.  I went to my room and sat on the edge of the bed to think about the decision I had just made.  My tummy was gurgling.  I panicked!  WHY DID I EAT THAT?  I grabbed the bottle of rum and took a couple of shots.  Alcohol disinfects so if the germs are still fresh in my belly, the rum would kill them before they can make me sick, right?  Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me – this is sound logic!  And I woke up feeling fine!  Ha!

After waking up alive and refreshed (music shut off at midnight) I was ready to head to Koh Rong Samloen.  THIS I was excited for.  The main beach at Saracen Bay is, without a doubt, stunning!  I had a hard time passing it by, but I have had my eye on Sunset Beach since I started planning this trip.  Sunset beach is on the other side of the island and is only accessible by foot or a single boat service once daily from the mainland.   There are only 3 basic resorts over there and one of them has tents suspended from the trees.  For this, I was willing to do the hike.  All 3 resorts are responsible for their own power, there is no wifi and there are no longtails constantly putting about in the bay.  Absolute solace!

The “walk” over is about 1km, takes 40 minutes and is doable in flip flops.  LIES!!!  Naturally, I would choose to do this in the hottest month of the year but I was at least smart enough to wear good shoes, regardless of what the internet says. I had a nice big breakfast for energy and I was ready to hike!  I think my bag at this point was over 15kg as I had a bottle of wine and a bottle of rum in there. The clip on my waist strap was broken so I had to tie it and the chest strap was…..missing?  I have no idea where that might have gone.  I had a piece of rope……I improvised.  I had my day bag on my front and a large bottle of water.  Determined to maintain a steady pace, I tried to keep my steps rhythmic.  I tried to not stop to rest unless I really needed to.  The trail was narrow but I pushed on through the trees and the vines, hoping to avoid any lightning sand or flame spurts.  Not bad!  But then there is the part where the trail disappears and turns into a rocky incline.  Shit!  It’s ok…I can do this!  There was a group of Vietnamese behind me taking their time and I didn’t want them to get ahead of me if I stopped so I pressed on.  Sweat was pouring off me so fast, I would have been dryer if I was in the shower. I got dizzy.  My stomach churned.  I was pushing myself so hard, I was going to barf!  But I couldn’t stop – not even to barf or the slow people will get in front of me!

I got to the top and tried to convince my trembling legs to get me down the other side.  Slowly, I navigated the slippery rocks as the sweat poured off of me and down them like a waterfall.  I was SO relieved to hear the dull buzz of a generator.  “I’M….*wheeze**…HERE!”. I collapsed on the patio of a nearby building.  I’m not sure where it was or what it was or if it even existed since I don’t recall seeing it again over the next few days.  A lady came over to ask what I was looking for. “Sleeping Trees” I puffed.  She pointed to a nearby building and said “No.  Toilet” What??  No…. I tried again with hand gestures that really didn’t make any sense at all.  “Oohhhh…..yes.  You go there and ask how to sleep there”…….Right.  Thanks?

My first impression of Sleeping Trees was that this was obviously the perfect place for me.  A small bar/reception area, an eating area, all kinds of hammocks, and solar panels which means NO GENERATOR!  WOO!!!  All I could hear was the sea, the 3 people playing cards nearby and the lilty accent of the dreadlocked french fellow behind the counter as he checked me in.  He poured me a glass of icy water and asked which tent I would like.  I chose the one on the beach in partial shade.  The man then informed me that each night at 7:30, they have a family style dinner.  It is $5 to join and that night they were having some sort of chicken in cream sauce.  He didn’t know what it was called in english.  YES!  Sign me up!

The tents are triangular and each corner is ratchet strapped to a tree about 5 feet off the ground.  There is a hole in the middle so you can lift yourself up into the tent.  It was like manually beaming yourself into a bouncy little spaceship.  It was a lot easier than it sounds.  Under the tent is a beach mat to keep the sand at a minimum and a big steel bowl of water to rinse your feet.  For your bag and valuables, there is a big metal lock box on the ground.

My first order of action was to inflate my floatie and get my butt into the sea.  There beach here is amazing!! It’s not the powder white sand of so many other beaches I have seen but it was CLEAN!!!  Perhaps partially due to the currents not washing shit ashore, but the resorts there were quite conscious about making sure stuff isn’t dumped on the beach or stashed in the jungle.  I think this sort of area tends to attract a different type of tourist so guests are less likely to contribute to the problem.  The water was perfect!  No creepy crawlies, pokey things or leg ticklers and blissfully quiet.  I floated for what felt like a lifetime until I realized my sunblock was failing me.  Dammit!

Dinner was EXCELLENT!  There are a couple of French fellows that run this place and they send their kitchen staff home in the afternoon and then cook dinner themselves. It was unbelievably delicious AND you don’t get to leave until you are full. Someone mentioned dinner from the night before and we were graced with the leftovers.  It was another French dish with chicken and mustard cream sauce.  HOLY SHIT!

After dinner I took my bottle of wine to the tree perch near the beach where I settled in next to a little tree light to do some word puzzles.  A 10pm, everything was shut down and I was left alone in the dark with only the sounds of the sea to keep me company.  I tried to carry on by flashlight but the food coma was winning so I beamed up into my tent and gazed at the BILLIONS of stars.  I was so overcome with joy, I considered staying an extra night and cutting a day somewhere else as this was too perfect to not enjoy to the absolute fullest!

The next day was a lazy day of hammocking and snorkeling.  Lots more word puzzles, of course.  I even had a little nap on the ground under my tent.  Then….it happened!  A group of people showed up.  They were french too so they spent the day hanging around the bar socializing with the managers.  Not that there is anything wrong with that but if you weren’t a part f that group and you wanted water, beer, a snack, you basically got completely ignored.  I’m not sure what it was they thought I was there for since it clearly wasn’t for the stimulating conversation and I hate to barge in and interrupt.  I was hopeful they would just do more than glance at me and give me a chance to ask for what I wanted and be on my way.  Back at my perch, hearing the roars of “hoh hoh hoh” laughter coming from the bar, I decided maybe I wouldn’t stay one more day.  Early evening, a longtail came rumbling up, spilling a bunch of tourists all over the beach in front of me.  “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???” I thought as I watched the sun go down in what may have been the most beautiful sunset so far.  But I couldn’t take any good pics because the tourists kept walking in front of me.  I danced around the noisy group to try to get a pic without any of them in it and then someone took my spot!  ARGH!  I was frustrated, but then they left.

During dinner, I was the odd one out at my table.  At one point one guy said to me “you’re awfully quiet over there.  Oh, you must not speak french” And he hoh hoh hoh’d and everyone hoh hoh hoh’d and then dinner was over.  They went back to drinking and playing pool and I returned to my tree perch with my tablet and wine.  I tried so hard to ignore the rowdy shouting in the background until some drunk guy fumbled his way up the stairs and lay down RIGHT BESIDE ME and passed out. AAARGH!! NO!!!  There are a thousand hammocks here and THIS is where he needs to be?  Fuck it!  I went to my tent to sulk and sleep.  The lights from the bar shone directly at my tent, lighting up the mesh from the inside so instead of seeing the stars, I felt I was in a bright white room.  The yelling, the laughing, the clack of billiard balls……at 1:30am, I was in tears.  I stomped over to the bar and pooped allllll over their party.  My voice cracking, I squeaked”it’s 1:30 in the goddamn morning and I came here for peace and quiet! ENOUGH!!!!” Well – THAT shut ’em up.  The whole room just stared at me wide-eyed like a bunch of spooked lemurs. A girl stammered out an apology and I stormed off back to my tent.

I sat there and had a good cry as I listened to the music shut off and the shuffling of people dispersing and the bottles being put away for the night.  I was SO DEVASTATED!  My paradise – the highlight of my whole trip – RUINED!!!!  I tried to relax and enjoy the stars after the lights went out but my heart was pounding in my ears.  I tossed and turned all night which can be fun in a trampoline tent, but not when you’re in a bad mood!

The night sky was pulsing with light.  Some sort of lightning, I think and dogs were howling inn the distance.  I had myself a good think and finally, a restless sleep.

A blast of sunshine to the face is how the next day greeted me.  I took my time packing my stuff to check out by noon, even though my boat wasn’t until 3:30pm.  When I went to check out, one of the guys was VERY apologetic for the noise.  The other asked if I was sure I wanted to leave my tent.  Yes, I just want to be done with this so I can get one with my day.  He left my tab open should I need any water, food or beers before my boat arrived and locked my bag in a box so I didn’t have to carry it around.

I had lunch and lounged at the resort next door then returned to my favourite spot to wait for the diving boat.  The boat toots its whistle when it is near so anyone waiting knows to head to the pier.  When the boat arrived, I went to grab my bag and pay my tab only to find yet ANOTHER French guy behind the bar, yapping away with his friends.  He knew I was there but refused to acknowledge me.  Perhaps because I was such a buzzkill the night before.   Perhaps because this is just how it has been here so far. One of his friends said something and motioned in my direction so I said “The boat is here.  I need to pay my tab and get my bag”  He brought me my bag and diddled around with the computer while still laughing and smoking with his buddies.  He handed me my bill as the boat tooted a warning and he said “I sink ze boat iz leaving”.  NO SHIT!!!!  I handed over some money and watched as sloth-man sloooooooowly tried to figure out how to open the cash box.  Fuck it….I left my change and ran for the pier.

The dreadlocked fellow was onboard.  I overheard him say he was on his way to Thailand.  Maybe that was his going away party I pooped on?  I didn’t care.  I was mad. I found myself a spot to settle into for the uncomfortable 2.5 hour slow journey back to Sihanoukville.  And as the sun went down in another one of its spectacular Southeast Asian performances, I thought…”this is nice”and breathed a sigh of relief to be almost back to the mainland.

As I lay in my tent the previous night, sleepless and deep in thought, I had come to the realization that I had gone halfway around the world in search of a picture-perfect paradise and I had indeed found it.  I was overcome with a sense of joy as I thought of all of the reasons I am lucky to have had this experience.  The white sand beaches and warm turquoise water are really quite spectacular if you can see past the garbage and ignore the sounds and smells of the longtails and the ferries.  But you know what’s better?  Home!!!! Paradise is every time I go camping back in BC.  I can go damn near anywhere and have peace & quiet.  It smells fresh, there is little to no garbage and I can go out on the lake and not have to lock down my campsite.  I can drive there safely and alone.  Somehow, those beach calendars and society’s general assumption that warmer = better made me take what I have at home for granted.  Beautiful beaches, warm water and  soaring temperatures are great but they can’t beat the cool clean waters of home.  I was instantly excited to get back to BC for some good ol’ camping and kayaking.  The water may be cold and the beaches may be rocky but dammit, BC is beautiful and holy shit, am I lucky to live there!

And that is the tale of paradise found.  Now I have one night in Sihanoukville then off to Phnom Penh for 2 nights before I wrap up my adventure in Vietnam.  This is the most excited and relaxed I have been this whole trip.  The looming inevitability of going home has become a welcome thought and I am thrilled about the upcoming campfire adventures this summer!  I hope you will all join me!!